fear

i am constantly afraid of a million things..things i keep pushing to the back of my head...

i am afraid of going so numb,i cant feel anything anymore..the pain,the joy,the sheer essence of it all..

i am afraid of not being the best i can be..the best i always wanted to be..just coz i didnt try enough..

i am afraid i might end up ordinary..not being able to pursue my goals my way

i am afraid i am never going to experience the greatness of medicine..

i am afraid of having to do things sometimes,not coz i think its the right thing..but coz people think its the right time..

i am afraid of pushing the right people away..and not pushing the wrong ones away..

i am afraid of not sayin no when i have to..stepping down and saying i do not want to have to do this..

i am afraid of dreaming..what if i am wanting too much from everything??

i am afraid i do not say the right things at the right time..

i am afraid of ending up doin nothing with my life but sit and think of all that i want to do..

i am afraid i am not doing this right and i complain too much..

i am afraid my zest for life comes in minute quantities and in periodic intervals..

i am afraid i may go back to doing everything exactly the same way i do things everyday..and still continue to be afraid..

i am afraid i might carry on this way for a long time..and when i look back thinking..what have i done with my life??..i may not find the answers i am looking for..but i find that i ended up living a lie..

i am afraid of many things i should nt be afraid of..and everything i am afraid of..i can change..coz my controls are with me..i am not a puppet..but am i being one?

stupid peope continue to annoy me.

why the hell does everything have to be so damn complicated??

s: i might get married in a year or so
me: is that even possible when you are 21??
s: it is.. when you have your family emotional blackmail you!
me: so just like that you get married to someone you dont even know?just because your dad might not live to see you get married?
s: yes.thats pretty much how the situation is..
me: are nt you going to say anything about it?
s: i have tried everything i could.no ones listening to me.i have given up and learned to accept it.


r: remove those pictures of me with the boys on facebook.
me: why do you think i would do that?
r: because everyones keep calling and asking me as to why i have pictures of me with the guys in a pool.
me: umm..because you are not giving head to every single person in the pool.and everyone in the damn pool is ur classmate from middle fucking school.and you all are literally siblings..

you would think by now people would wake the fuck up and start acting a little mature.you would think they d be as broadminded as the fucking highway.you d think they d have much better things to worry about than..
*who do you think she is with among all those boys in the pool??
or maybe shes with everyone of them??
*i should get all my children married before anything happens although my youngest is only 20 years old and she may not have the maturity to be in a marriage?? and maybe she might not be able to accomplish anything she originally planned on doing if i did not bring up the whole marriage situation?!
damn.

.AbStRaCt.

..sometimes you find beauty in the most unusual places..like in a hospital full of sick people..i was posted at the paediatric free ward..where tiny kids hardly the size of your palm are fighting to stay alive in incubators..strange how those tiny human beings even have the energy to breathe..and on one of those rare occasions i actually attended my clinicals..i saw this lil boy with a broken elbow..he had this yellow monkey hanging from his bed..his mother was lying next to him on the bed..listenin to him,watching him..weave story after another(with actions)..both of them oblivious to the chaos and all the sick people around them.the fact that she was lying there just watching him..may not completely understand what he is saying..but is at complete bliss just watching him…she made it a point to bring his favourite stuffed yellow monkey along..how anything else wouldnt give her the satisfaction of just sitting there and watching her son.its amazing how simple gestures give more meaning to life..you always wana do a lot of things in life..evryone has big plans for life..evryone wants to have been there..done that..but just exactly how much do we continue to dream and remember and cherish in the future??i have big plans too..i want to travel the world..become an obstetrician..because nothing else may give me satisfaction like bringing a child in to this world..jus being there when it happens..being a part of the process..being the facilitator..coz i know theres nuthing like watchn a symbol of your love becoming the person you have never been..wholly made of omitting your faults n slips in life..then again..i wna live on an island..nothing like living in a place surrounded by water..stretches n stretches of blue and green..u feel like u hav lost connection with the rest of the world..then..i wna live in france..own a vineyard..make wine..i wna visit the dead sea and actually see for myself if the clay or the sand does really work wonders for the skin?!?i want to adopt a child..i wna b dt person evry1 is immensely proud of..i want to be that independant woman..who does nt need any1 to make her life perfect..but then again..u wna know that one person who can truly understand you..you see how “abstract” thoughts can get?i wna be evrythng that inspires me..but how much of it will happen??wanting it and living it are two different things..for all i know not even 1% of all that i want is possible,.but i stick to my grounds and stay as optimistic as ever..coz i want all of this..good enough if even half of it happens..or mayb i ll hav bigger dreams in the days 2 come..who knows..i ve learnt no1s life is perfect as it may seem on the outside..evry1 has there flaws and dents..evry1 has dt one dark secret no1 else would know of..and how many people you actually know your entire life..may not have fallen below your expectations..for me atleast..the bigger things do not matter..its the smallest of small things that make a difference..i dont think half the people who i am actually very fond of..even know that i am actually fond of them..evry1 u know r special to u in a different way..evry1 has touched ur life in a different way..all dt most of us do is complain about what v dnt hav or smtn v hav dt v dont wnt..nevr thinkin of the lil things in life..or the people in our lives..making all the difference there is..bringin all the possible joy in larger quantities out of minute details..simply sittin and watchin the rain..the smell of mud after it rains..watching a plant grow..jus standin in the shower..hearin nothing but the water splattering all over you..sometimes a movie dt u watched has effect on you for the rest of the day..or a song that makes you go back and think..some songs kinda connect with you on some level..and you know some else is thinking like u do..lil things that continue make it all d more worthwhile…but here we are competing on whose life sucks more~~

~all about me~

like life has come to a standstill..m still doin the same old thing..lying in bed,addicted to mans greatest creation-the internet..looking back a million times and thinking of ol' times,never forgetting,never regretting,never-stop-cherishing and longing for everything that was once there and long ignored and taken for granted.from those days at hillwoods to the crazy johnian days..and the georgian rollercoaster ride..still remember the day my parents left me at hillwoods saying they would come back..and leaving me all alone,so small,in a world so new..hillwoods with all those beautiful lawns n those wonderful plum/pear trees which happened to be our playground..who can get more lucky?those friendly dogs that were a part of the school..still remember the day scoobydoo passed away..and all those lil' kids who went up the hill for the funeral crying,whereas i,being a newcomer just stood there not knowing whether to cry with them..and hillwoods was surprisingly the only place where i topped the class and was considered brilliant and a "good" girl.sadly history never repeats itself and that never did happen again.no one ever thought those innocent things about me after good old hillwoods.breaks my heart to think molly aunty had to shut down the school.so there goes another place i loved ,hidden from the world and lost!Then i entered georges,following the tradition that all hillwoods children abide by..for the giant that georges was..and for all that i complain about the place,in truth..i think it helped build ME..helped me become independant,head-on-my-sholuders,never afraid to speak my mind,and five years of my life just wasnt enough thinking of it now.all my wonderful friends from there,half of whom i got to know after school..are the best of people you can ever find..each one different in their own way and different from everybody else..and each one has touched my life in a different way..and my pathetic attitude would nt let me tell them just how special evryone of them are to me..only guessing that they do..coming back to georges,it was an adventure by itself..never had to think there was nothing to do..i still wonder how i ran those 7km of crosscountry every day..amazing feat if performed now!!sneaking "grub" in to cottage,kneeling down,laughing our heads off with no qualms about tomorrow,all that gossiping,going "down the banks" to meet your boyfriends,pillow fights,gardening for all those who didnt clean up on sundays,shining cottage floors and not a single day went by when we didnt curse about shining..and i am here today thinking about what better school could i have gone to,and i have no answers as i cannot imagine life without all that georges has given me..and then came..st.johns which happened to me by chance and all i have to say about that place is "craziness" personified..in just 2 years time,i had learnt what i could nt have learnt in a lifetime..that life is how you look at it and how you make it!everyone i first considered enemies turned out to be my bestfriends who will always be special..and now in college,and i am the only one who went to a boarding school all my life out of all the 150 people in my class;you can only imagine how oddly i stand out..and looking back and thinking of all this only makes me wonder what i would nt do to relive all this,just one more time.funny that i can even say such good things about so many people and all these places..in life,only when you do not have all that you once had,only then do you know the luxury of all that was once yours..and everything sour is forgotten..only the sweetness of all that was,is cherished..boyfriends,the breakups,you go on to be bestfriends with a few and not-so-bestfriends with a few..but life goes on..and everything bad is forgotten.i am happy all this has happened to my life as i am able to sit here,laugh and cry about it today..and i am able to say i went to some of the finest boarding schools and have some very fine friends..what better way to live life!?i am lucky and always have been in every way i can possibly think of..i can only thank my parents today for not coming back and leaving me to fend for myself,so small,in a world so new...

day one-01.08.2008.

i never got around to doin this for a very long time,although i intended to do so at some point...and its funny how i finally get down to it,after reading some random guy s blog(although he s extremely good i must say).i guess this is one way of letting it all go..setting it free..

31.july.2008

i can easily say i am at one of my life s lowest of low points at this very moment.hence,i might be very capable of sounding quite self-absorbed,writhing in self-pity.sometimes you never know and can never figure out what drives you to do the very same things you would not want to have to do.you just keep pushing everything that you should think about to the back of your head.you let it keep building up.finally when its too much to handle,when it gets to you,it fucking hurts..i dont really know if it is the pride in me or just the very essence of me which is so overbearing.driving myself to do the same things again and again,never learning,never wanting to look back and regret or accept that i ve made the wrong choices-like when i choose to act like the world is full of invisible people who i constantly wish would disappear.feel like i am suffering from some anxiety attack or some anti-social disorder..and i am slowly starting to think college is one of the biggest mistakes i have ever made....as it is turning me into some worthless-good-for-nothing-piece-of-shite!sadly...i dont think i m having one of those stereotype full-of-fun college times.but of course thanks to those numerous friends outside this craphole,who continue keeping me sane and afloat at most times.

Aj-mauritian.speaks french at home.studies veterinary at the moscow university..also happens to be a hindu.hence the indian name.(he deserved an intro huh??being as exotic as he happens to be!!)and ALSO my ex-boyfriend of 6 months(not really sure of the time period) from highschool,who still happens to be my very bestfriend.my saviour in times of distress,continuing to pull me ashore from time to time,after all the shit i give him repeatedly,we have done some crazy shit together and i can continue to say he is by far the only person who could tolerate me at my worst.

P-mallu,but nothing like a mallu..gladly.went to middle school with him for like 5 years and never got around to even having one decent conversation with him.got to know him in a whirlwind of phone conversations.which may not be enough in truth,but he is still there to wake up and listen to my nightmares and also sadly laughs at my power of imagination.been through my best and my worst in the short period(say almost 2yrs) i knew him.talks so much sense sometimes,rather he sounds like he s right most of the time,that i dont really know what to make out of it sometimes.very smart in the head.sort of like the unexplored goldmine,if there is one.this guy actually looked up how to make a lollipop-joint(apparently this type gets you stoned better than the usual) online.enough said i am thinking.

Bm-known this one too for like the longest time ever,right from my hillwoods days(primary school).we went on to study together at middle school.he happened to be my ex-ex-boyfriends bestfriend,for a period of time.still didnt get to know him;went to college in like the same city and had a common friend living in his flat.and thats when it started.can never seem to get rid of him ever since.stuck with me through everything life threw at me.he has these weird philosophies about life which will make the smartest people think twice about their outlook on life.


R-quirky.LOUD.her brain has a direct connection to her oral cavity.whatever s on her mind is out there in the open for everyone to gape at.comes up with the most ridiculous notions like how would it be if all of us crawled instead of walked,how would it be if girls had penises..for example.she can get quite innovative sometimes.my constant companion ever since i was 12.


V-the only person who can make a joke about me AND get me to laugh about it.he somehow manages to get the goods,inspite of his almost 200pound kind-of-obese-self.very special.extremely funny,extremely affectionate,one person i cant stop loving.

i can move on in life..make new friends..live differently..but the point being..these are the few of the many more,who continue to make it all worth it.the good,the bad and the ugly.